+Phobia_Parade+ (phobia_parade) wrote,
+Phobia_Parade+
phobia_parade

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What A Wicked Girl.

I can't believe I felt so amazing a few hours ago...
and now I feel like utter crap.
Went to Pilar's sweet 16. It was great- got to see Miranda again. I missed that girl so much, am gonna miss her so much in the future...I still can't believe she's moving away...
Had some wonderful laughs, danced my ass off, ate really unhealhty things...yeah.
There was a really cute boy there who was going into 10th grade this year, he hung around me a lot the entire night, made me feel pretty good. At one point there were a lot of couples slow dancing and I laughed and said 'Look at all of us! We're losers!' to all the people just standing around. The 10th grade kid turned to me, blushing, and said 'Well..uh, you've got an excuse, you're eating!' and he motioned to my plate. Then just for kicks I put my plate down on the table behind me, turned back around, and said 'Now I'm not...'
...yeah. You should have seen the shades of pink fly over this kid's face. It was pretty funny. He really was adorable.
There was another kid at the party however, Anthony I think his name was, who wouldn't leave me alone the entire night. He asked me to slow dance with him a few times which was flattering, but he kept pulling me really close to his body and I got really uncomfortable. Later on he pinned me up against a wall when nobody was around and asked me 'So...what's Izzy short for..?' He wouldn't really let me leave after that and I started getting scared, thank God Gina found us at that moment and startled him- he backed off after that. I later found out that he was actually 22 years old...Yeah. and he was WELL aware of my age.
During the party I felt really amazing about having this older guy find me attractive...but now I just feel dirty and wicked.
What a fucking slut I am, eh? Jesus...what kind of man will love me? Really love me? I doubt I'll ever find a man who will...
Nobody wants to put up with my personal brand of shit. What a fucking waste of space I can be sometimes...
I feel so ugly and disgusting. I just...don't know what to do with myself...

Shit. I wish I felt better...I was gonna write about seeing Snakes on a Plane with Deven in this post, but I don't want to ruin such a wonderful topic with my bad attitude. It was amazing seeing Deven again..I'll make a happier post about that soon. I just...don't know what to do anymore...
This roler coaster emotion business is really beginning to take it's fucking toll...I hate feeling like this everyday...
It's just.... nothing's ever good enough...
It's never ever enough.
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