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+Phobia_Parade+

Vanity.is.excessive.pride
Appearance.
Narcissism.
In.self-esteem.
The.admiration.of.oneself.
Yearning.one's.own.body
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Cosplay meme because I can. [Friday
Dec 22nd, 06 @ 4:37pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

1. How did you find out about anime conventions?
My friend brought me to one for her birthday when I was in eighth grade.

2. What and where was your first convention?
AnimeNEXT in New Jersey.

3. How old were you at your first convention?
14~

4. Did you cosplay at your first convention, and if so, as whom?
Toshiya/ Samara/ crazy vampire lady...o_o;

5. How many conventions have you attended presently?
Er. Hold on. AnimeNEXT 2004, AnimeNEXT 2005, AnimeNEXT 2006, Otakon 2004, Otakon 2005, Otakon 2006, Anime Boston 2006, Onnafest 2005. Nine :D

6. What was your favorite convention and why?
ANIMEBOSTON 06~!! It was the most fun convention EVER~ Becuase I had my two buddies with me and we did an awesome group cosplay as L, Raito, and Mello ( Only one person there knew who Mello was at that time ._. Those days are gone~ )

7. List all your cosplays that you've cosplayed in the past (that you can remember) and tell which one is your favorite.

AnimeNEXT 04:
*Toshiya [ Dir en Grey ].
*Samara [ The Ring ].

AnimeNext 05:
*Persicom girl xD [ Chobits ].

AnimeNEXT 06:
*Shuichi Shindou~ [ Gravitation ].

Otakon 04:
*Mitsuko [ Battle Royale ].
*Mana [ Malice Mizer ].

Otakon 05:
*Irvine Kinneas [ FF7 ].

Otakon 06:
*P-chan [ Petshop of Horrors ].
*Ritsuka [ Loveless ].

Onnafest 05:
Ritsuka again.

Anime Boston 06:
*L [ Death Note ].

8. If you have a dream convention that you want to attend, what is it?
Akon, because all the cool performers seem to go there.

9. Do you attend convention events, such as panels, karaoke, etc.?
The Masqurade and AMV contest mostly. I really just prefer to walk around at cons :3

10. Have you ever entered a masquerade? And if so as who and did you win?
Not yet. But me and Lindums are planning to for this years Anime Boston~

11. Do you buy anything in the dealer's room? If so, what do you buy?
HOLYCRAPYES. o_o; I buy a whooole lotta stuff. Jewelry, Plusies, figuriens, dolls, art books....

12. Do you buy anything in the artist alley? If so, what do you buy?
Not really. I don't know why, but it just doesn't appeal to me.

13. What is the longest distance you've traveled to get to a convention either by plane or car?
Driving the 2 hours to Otakon is always fun :D

14. Have you met your favorite English voice actor?
Well...I've seen them at panels ^^; Vic Mignogna and Scott McNeal.

15. Do you generally go to conventions with friends? Or your special someone? Or both?
Always with mah friends~! It's more fun that way.

16. Have you met a special someone at a convention and then hooked up there, or after?
hahaaa ewww no. Most people there are gross and smelly to be honest.

17. Do you regret going to any specific convention? And if so, why?
Not really. Nothing that badly happened at any of them. Maybe Onnafest just because it was small, awkward and quiet.

18. What conventions do you have planned for next year?
Anime Boston, AnimeNEXT, Conneticon, Otakon.

19. Have you made your dream costume yet? If so, who/what is it?
I don't really have a dream costume, if I did I would have made it already :D

20. Do you go by your forum name/pen name/nickname at cons?
No.

21. Do you have a convention that's on your birthday?
I wish! None are even close.

22. What is your current favorite anime/manga? Have you cosplayed it yet?
That changes every month XD. If I like it them I will most definatly cosplay as someone from it.

23. Do you make your own costumes, thrift them, or get them commissioned, etc?
I make my own costumes by hand. I never used to, but I wanted them to be authentic and something I could be proud of. I've only recently started to do this. I made my P-chan costume completely by hand, and part of my Shuichi and Chobits cosplays by hand. Before that I usually thrifted them, and I got one commissioned. However, I plan to do everything myself from here on out.

24. Do you have any retired costumes? If any, why are they retired?
My Mitsuko Souma cosplay because it is old and frankly I can do better cosplays now :3

25. What costumes do you have planned for next year? Or if there are a lot of them, what series?
I am going as Li Shaoran from CardCaptor Sakura to AnimeNEXT 07. I am planning on making his green battle outfit.

26. Did you like this meme?
Da bomb.

27. Are you bored out of your mind because you're not at a con?
Not really. I like quiet time.

28. When is your next con?
Anime Boston.

29. Have you started any of your costumes for your next con?
I plan on starting in January.

30. Anything else I should know about you?
I am a silly monkeh.

Bai~

Are Beloved
+ Love Me +


What A Wicked Girl. [Sunday
Aug 20th, 06 @ 1:27am]
[ mood | Empty ]

I can't believe I felt so amazing a few hours ago...
and now I feel like utter crap.
Went to Pilar's sweet 16. It was great- got to see Miranda again. I missed that girl so much, am gonna miss her so much in the future...I still can't believe she's moving away...
Had some wonderful laughs, danced my ass off, ate really unhealhty things...yeah.
There was a really cute boy there who was going into 10th grade this year, he hung around me a lot the entire night, made me feel pretty good. At one point there were a lot of couples slow dancing and I laughed and said 'Look at all of us! We're losers!' to all the people just standing around. The 10th grade kid turned to me, blushing, and said 'Well..uh, you've got an excuse, you're eating!' and he motioned to my plate. Then just for kicks I put my plate down on the table behind me, turned back around, and said 'Now I'm not...'
...yeah. You should have seen the shades of pink fly over this kid's face. It was pretty funny. He really was adorable.
There was another kid at the party however, Anthony I think his name was, who wouldn't leave me alone the entire night. He asked me to slow dance with him a few times which was flattering, but he kept pulling me really close to his body and I got really uncomfortable. Later on he pinned me up against a wall when nobody was around and asked me 'So...what's Izzy short for..?' He wouldn't really let me leave after that and I started getting scared, thank God Gina found us at that moment and startled him- he backed off after that. I later found out that he was actually 22 years old...Yeah. and he was WELL aware of my age.
During the party I felt really amazing about having this older guy find me attractive...but now I just feel dirty and wicked.
What a fucking slut I am, eh? Jesus...what kind of man will love me? Really love me? I doubt I'll ever find a man who will...
Nobody wants to put up with my personal brand of shit. What a fucking waste of space I can be sometimes...
I feel so ugly and disgusting. I just...don't know what to do with myself...

Shit. I wish I felt better...I was gonna write about seeing Snakes on a Plane with Deven in this post, but I don't want to ruin such a wonderful topic with my bad attitude. It was amazing seeing Deven again..I'll make a happier post about that soon. I just...don't know what to do anymore...
This roler coaster emotion business is really beginning to take it's fucking toll...I hate feeling like this everyday...
It's just.... nothing's ever good enough...
It's never ever enough.

+ Love Me +


Pura + Dominican Republic. [Sunday
Aug 13th, 06 @ 8:07pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Hello again.
After a rather ( VERY ) stressful morning, I got to go to the city and saw MOMA which was awesome ( reminded me of Furu ).
Got to go to Kinokunia after- yes. OMFG, the city one.
It's changed a lot. It's a lot more anime-involved now, and they changed where the music section was. Bought Diru + Meev's new single, aswell as a SHOXX magazine with...PURA ON THE COVER o_o. Yeah- I was happy.
Ryutaro looks amazing, they all do. 'Dashi has the front piece of his hair blached and hanging over one eye. The article inside about them shows them all in and out of vis kei attire depending on the page. Their new Vis kei looks are amazing. Taro has smeared black lipstick and wears clothes that look like their made of spider webs. He's amazing. And it came with a fucking poster. HELL YES. I was so happy.
There was the Dominican Republic parade today in the city...yeah. I wanted to KILL someone. Everyone was shoving me around like a ragdoll and being so fucking LOUD. SHIT.
People are rude, fucking, IDIOTS. I hate them.
I wished to death I could just shoot anyone that pissed me off. I would have raddled off every person at that parade I swear.
Anyway, yeah. The SHOXX mag inspired me to go home and mess with my hair. I covered it with hair spray and teased my bangs and side pieces, it looks a lot better now that it's super short. The fact that it's purple doesn't hurt.
Once that was done I decided to put on the gothiest/jrock-esqe outfit I own and pose infront of my mirror for like...15 minutes.
Then I remembered Elisabeth currently has my camera.
Yar- I can't even cam whore. I kinda got all dolled up for no reason.
I'm really excited for Dalin's party. I NEED to get out of this house.
Man. Summer's insanely boring.
ACK. I'm gonna get in my pj's now.
Bye.

+ Love Me +


[Saturday
Aug 12th, 06 @ 8:28pm]
I fucking hate him.
He turned my room into a storage closet.
He doesn't concider me a part of his family.
None of them do.
I'm the mess up.
Version #1, the one they got wrong.
What a fuck up I must be.

I hope he does better this time.
I hope he doesn't have another loser child.
I am a loser.
I am a fuck up.
Anything is better then me...

I've always known those things but...they hurt much worse now..
I'm alone. alone. alone.

Nobody wants a fuck up.
+ Love Me +


Story from 8th grade. [Friday
Aug 11th, 06 @ 12:36am]
[ mood | awake ]

Yup. Another late night.
I was flipping threw some old journals I had kept during 8th grade and stumbled across this little number.
I thought it was good enough to type up, so I went ahead and did.
Warning to anyone about to read this: There are spelling + punctuational errors abound. This has not been spell checked, and I have no semblence of proper grammer.
Yeah. Hope you like.
I'd put it under an LJ cut but...honestly, who really reads this thing?

+

I awoke in a cold sweat.
Molten beads dripping down my face and chest.
I could feel their hot, salty aftermath even with my eyes screwed tightly shut.
I sat up slowly, slightly disoriented; pictures of my nightmare still eating away at my memory. Distorted images. A gallery of nonsense that scared me half to death.
I wiped my damp forehead, noticing for the first time how terribly hot it was. My face was drenched in sweat and tears. My eyes stung, And I wiped them vigorously with my sleeve.
Glancing around my small room, the once horrifying darkness began dissolving into choice items; A desk, I noted. A chair, a vase with flowers- Ah! My eyes fell upon the most captivating item the room had to offer.
A grand window, stretching from the wooden floor boards to the ceiling, met my gaze beyond the bed's end. Just outside it's pane stood a ladder which climbed the entire length of the house, scaling the brick walls and stopping at the roof. And beyond that still, hung the moon. Extravagant and swollen with light, it's beauty held my breath captive for a pregnant moment. It appeared from my angle that with the placement of the window's edge the moon had become trapped in it's center. I shook my head at this, a smile tugging on my lips, Wouldn't she be amused to hear my midnight rambling?

I stopped then and studied the fabric of my sheets for a moment as a thought struck me. A closer inspection of the window confirmed it. She climbed out again. I sighed childishly and tossed my feet over the side of the bed. I only have nightmares when she climbs out.
The window was ajar, allowing hot, sticky air to fill the room. I stood, teetering slightly on my still trembling legs, and made my way over to the window's frame. Widening the space a bit I swung my body out onto the ladder, and took a moment to regard the extraordinary moon. A sudden wind picked up allowing some leaves to take flight. They passed over the moon's face and gave the view a dreamlike quality. I turned myself back towards the rungs of the ladder. I never liked things I couldn't touch.
Slowly I began to climb the ladder's rickety length, the heat making the sap in the wood stick to my hands and clothes. I made a metal note to wash my pajamas.
When I reached the ladder's end the moon seems so vast in the sky that I suspect it would have devoured the earth had the stars ever let it go.
Silently I skimmed the length of the roof until finally my eyes came to rest on the figure I was seeking. She was sitting, silhouetted directly in front of the moon. Her hair, usually bright by day, appeared black in the shadows. It swept around her face like silken bats. The light from the pregnant moon contrasted sharply with her frame, making her seem small and much too thin. With delicate steps I made my way over to where she sat and quietly perched next to her. The moon looked close enough to touch.
Her face was calm and serene, but her eyes were anxious and hard.
I wondered if she knew how beautiful she looked.

"You know", she said suddenly, "They say if you jump far enough you can land right in the sky, right among the stars and planets." She turned and smiled at me then.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"What?" I asked, snapping out of my reverie, "Oh, yeah."

"What was it about?"

I glanced down at her pale hands, long and smooth her fingers seemed like soft spiders in the darkness.

"I don't really remember"

Oh." She said quietly, lifting a soft hand to twirl in her hair.

A calm silence fell between us then. The moon seemed to hover closer.

"I'm not a very good jumper."

"I wouldn't let you fall."

I glanced over at her in time to see her lips quirk upwards in a small smile.

"Don't worry", She whispered then, “I'm good at flying.”

+ Love Me +


New hair. [Thursday
Aug 10th, 06 @ 12:00am]
[ mood | restless ]

Died my hair purple.
Like a red/purple. It looks like Die's hair which is LOVE.
I'd take a picture of it but my camera's currently MIA.
Don't know how long the color's gonna last. Read online that this brand lasts about 3 weeks. I'll probably dye it again before school starts.
I hope it doesn't look like crap after one shower. I've had that happen too many times >>;;

I'm suddenly very nervous about my Honors english project. I don't feel I'll do a very good job on it. I kind of suck at school so...yeah. I can't see how I'll do well. I'm kind of thinking 'what the fuck am I doing in honors?' I'll probably flunk out. shit.

Life is extreamly boring. I want my little brother/sister already. I bet they'll be entertaining. Everyone seems to be having an exciting summer. Bleh. I don't have anyone to hang out with. I need to get out of this house. I'm going stir crazy.

I friended Yoshiki on Myspace. He's a beautiful person, he really is. I can only hope I can grow up to be half as good as him. He plays the piano so wonderfully. He inspires me to play more.
I'm thinking about recording some of my pieces and making a Music Myspace page for them. I don't know if I'll have the guts to do it. And the guy that would record them is friends with my father which means that the baby's gonna stop my musical career for a while. Figures >>;.
Shit. I'm a bad person.

..I really need to get out of this house.
God. I hate nightime.

+ Love Me +


I will never be a memory. [Wednesday
Aug 9th, 06 @ 2:30pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Omfg. I live.
Otakon went as well. I got a lot of pictures taken of me which was awesome. Friday night was the most fun I think. Saturday was a lot of standing around on lines and getting my wings hit by obnoxious people >>;;
Seriously, the Otakon people really pissed me off this year. They were just rude fucktards who didn't know how to minuver around others.
ARG.
Anywhoo yeah. No one really cosplayed this year which was weird, I was the only one cosplaying. It made me feel really self concious.
Having a really delicate looking cosplay kind of robbed me of getting glomped so for my next cosplay I wanna be an uber bishounen.

I just watched ADVENT CHILDREN for the first time last night and I've totally fallen in love with the character Reno ::points at above Icon:: He's amazing and I'd love to cosplay him, but he's totally overdone unfortunatly.
Oh- I also got photoshop back. WOOT.

Yeah. In other news I'm being rushed right now so I'm gonna have to wrap this up. I have Tae Kwon Do + Kick Boxing tonight so that should be awesome.
I chopped more of my hair off last night, I'm planing on dying it purple tomorrow.

oh and SNAKES ON A PLANE. AUGUST 18TH. Be there.

+ Love Me +


Come together. [Wednesday
Aug 2nd, 06 @ 1:04am]
[ mood | tired ]

ECK.
My head feels like a truck hit it. Damn.
Tomorrow's gonna be boring. My cosplay's finally finished so I don't need to worry about that anymore. Only thing to do is go see Erica again. Kinda missed her. Have to tell her all about how lame the Europe trip was. Meh.

My head hurts. All the GW fanfics online suck now >>;;
Arg. This white screen's hurting my eyes.
Bye.

+ Love Me +


New layout. [Monday
Jul 31st, 06 @ 9:07pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Pretty new layout by shuifuusha
Made another journal today, a cosplay journal this time. Used the same person for that layout. It's Aoi from Gazzette with 'ENVY' written around him in green.
Here's the name volatile_fuxx
Lovely name eh?
In any event the layout's simply gorgeous.
I accidently chose a sponsered accound for my new lj. That = ANNOYING AS HELL.
For someone as anal as me it's really hard to deal with. There's adds everywhere. It completely mars the layouts appearance. ARG.

In other news my fingers are covered in krazy glue which is aweful. The keys keep slipping under my fingers and it's kind of hard to type. Gah. The headpiece is almost done though. However, it's incredibly unbalanced.
I need to find a solution to that.
Dalin's coming over tomorrow so we'll hopefully have a ghetto photoshoot so I can post some pics on aformentioned cosplay journal.

Wrote a new piano piece this morning. It's been a while since I did that. I'm really pleased with how it turned out- I can definatly hear my playing improving. As soon as it's perfected I'll start playing it around. Don't got a title for it yet though.

The Killers are a really awesome band. Just had to say that- why didn't I get into them sooner?
I'm totally obsessed with the song "All the things that I've done"
it is ::love::

Can't wait for tomorrow, can't wait for Otakon. Can't wait to see Deven and for Lindy to come back.
This summers going well so far.

+ Love Me +


Gotta help me out. [Sunday
Jul 30th, 06 @ 10:26pm]
[ mood | tired ]

The babyshower went better then expected. No one was even that interested in the baby to be honest...Nice suprise. Hung out with Ally a lot. That was awesome. I love that girl to death.
Saw AJ for a split second but then he had to leave cuz there were no boys at the BS. He kind of waved at me and then looked uncomfortable being around so many girls. It was funny.
We played some SIMS on Ally's comp. That was awesome too. The after party was the best though cuz TOSHI WAS THERE! He showed up and gave me a copy of his 'debute single' as I like to call it x3;
He told me he's going back to Japan in a few months- but he promised me that we'd keep in touch so I was happy. I love his music, he sounds like Gackt I swear.

In other news my cosplay is coming along swimmingly. The outfit it completely done and I actually feel very very satisfied and proud.
It's a pink tube dress with a pink and gold band around the middle with triangular pieces hanging down that are painted with designes. At the top of the tube dress there's...ahhh anyway I don't want to describe it anymore. I'll post some pics on my other LJ when I'm all done with the headpiece. Hopefully that will successfully be finished in the next 2/3 days.
The headpiece has been fun to make so far.

Last night was horrible. I had such bad night terrors all night- I ended up not going to bed until 4 or 5 in the morning. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw people's faces falling apart and I dreamt about the girl again with the glass fingers. I'm really getting sick of her.

I need to go read GW fanfiction to make me feel better.
Peace.

+ Love Me +


Thoughts [Friday
Jul 28th, 06 @ 11:09pm]
Since when were you so...

Full of thoughts.
Will they ever go away?
Time for thoughts.
Where did they go?
Where did they go?
And it's been a while
since a smile
was in my back pocket.

With your head
in the clouds.
Will they ever go away?
screeching voices.
screeching thoughts.
And it's been a while
since a smile
was here to stay.
And I say...


Where did they go?
Where did they go?
Will they ever go away?

Don't think too much.
It hurts.
yeah.
yeah.
It hurts.
+ Love Me +


Anima Mea. [Thursday
Jul 27th, 06 @ 10:36am]
[ mood | blah ]

Hello world. I am back again.
Things are going a little bit better for me lately.
Started working on my new cosplay. It's 'The Bird of Paradise' from Petshop of Horrors. It's a rather...ambitious costume to say the least. I've never attempted anything this complicated before but so far I'm liking the results. Though I don't really know why I bother considering that Kathryn's costume always blows mine out of the water. Best case scienerio we don't have to meet up with her and Victoria and I can maintain some semblence of pride.
Yeah.

I'm headin' out to AC Moore in about an hour to buy some things I need to sculpt the head piece. I'm also making the dress part today which means I gotta bust out the ol' needle and thread. Woot.

Anyway- yeah. I'm gonna go watch the Avatar DVDs Pilar lent me.
Bai.

+ Love Me +


[Thursday
Jul 20th, 06 @ 2:37pm]
Ugggg. I'm tired and miserable.
Europe sucked for the most part- other then meeting Sherri and Polyna is was aweful.
There were too many fucking pretty girls. This trip made me realize how repugnant I must be to men.

I wish I could say it didn't bother me but honestly I am getting so damn sick of being lonely. I don't understand why all my friends get a chance at love and I don't.
Why does love treat me like fucking quasi modo or something. Seriously.

I thought I was pretty and funny, but evidently I've been lied to.

awwwww FUCK FUCK FUCK. In Europe I realized just exactly how unwanted I really am to the opposit sex. I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life. I might aswell just prepare myself now.
God damn it. I can't live like this anymore.

I wish I could be better...
+ Love Me +


4th day. [Friday
Jun 16th, 06 @ 5:56pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

I'm very proud of myself.
I'm thinner and in better shape then I can ever remember.
Worked my ass off in Tae Kwon Do last night. Everytime I got tired I pictured Michelle in my head calling my fat in my Shuichi costume and pushed myself harder.
I may not be good at a lot, but I am good as being pretty- and I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

I'm still not as skinny as I'd like to be, but there are only so many times a girl can eat 2 slimfast bars a day and not get sick of them.

My mother got upset that I didn't want to eat lunch today and kind of forced me to eat a bagle. UGH. Roxanne would hate me. Every time I see her she tells me how unhealthy bagles are and patronizes me for not liking veggie burgers.
Well- she can go to hell for all I care.

I worked off the bagle with 90 sit ups. Hope that's enough.

I wish to god I had a scale. Oh well though- it's probably better I don't have one.

I'm actually beginning to get abs :3 I am very pleased.
My mom's ordering Chinese food tonight. This is gonna be tough. I told her to order as many healthy things as she could.

As soon as this conventions over I'm gonna start eating normally again- I just want to be sexy for one day. I'm sick of being the silly one. I want to be the one that's desired damn it.

+ Love Me +


[Monday
Jun 12th, 06 @ 9:06pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Wow. I'm a updating fiend today.

I hate finals week.
Tomorrow I have to get up at freaking 7:00 to be at the school to sign a piece of paper then come back home. Thanks Mr. Reisert >>;

Then I don't have anything to do until 9:50 when I have my english final. I'm going to fail that royaly. Thank god I have like a 98 in his class.
After that I have a review for Math. Weee. Just can't wait.

New diet starts tomorrow. I think I'll be having an apple for lunch everyday. dinner = 1 bown of special K.
If I wanna be a skinny Shuichi for the con I gotta lose some weight.

I put on my costume earlier and felt like such a fat fuck.
I've been letting myself go lately.
Now the only problem is losing a total of somewhere around 5 pounds in four days. That shouldn't be hard, but it's annoying not having a scale.

Anyway- yeah. Life hasn't been great lately. I've felt like a complete dumbass.
I just want to be in Europe already...but then, I know, as soon as I get back all my problems will be waiting to kick me in the teeth.

God...does it ever end?

+ Love Me +


New diet. [Monday
Jun 12th, 06 @ 8:12pm]
[ mood | Fat ]

Almost done with my Shuichi costume.
Making the jacket is a bitch.

This costume has made me realize that I need to go on a serious diet.

NEW DIET:
Lunch- Turkey sandwhich w/ lettuce NO DRESSING.
Dinner- Bowl of special K cereal MINIMAL MILK.
NO SNACKING. NO DESSERT.

+ 60 sit ups a night. 20 right, 20 left, 20 front.

I'm 123 pounds right now- hopefully I'll burn some of that.

But- I'm due for my period soon which is just my luck.
I'll have to eat nothing but anti-bloating meds nearing closer to the con.

I'm not going to show my fat body to anyone right now.

+ Love Me +


Shuichi cosplay [Saturday
Jun 3rd, 06 @ 1:22am]
[ mood | sick ]

New cosplay.
Shuichi Shindou- gotta love it :D
NEED:
- Hot pink eve wig
- Large piece of yellow fabric
- Large piece of orange fabric
- Yellow thread
- red tape
- black workout top
- Thick white belt

ALREADY HAVE:
- Boots
- Shorts
- Microphone ( somewhere...)
- Gloves w/o fingers ( ? )

Hardest part: MAKING. THE JACKET.
The things I do for anime cons...

I somehow need to pull this together in 3 weeks.
Still...I like a challenge.

+ I can just wear this costume against @ Otakon.
:3

+ Love Me +


Blood work and crying. [Tuesday
May 9th, 06 @ 1:50pm]
[ mood | sore ]

I don't like hospitals.
I don't like needles.
and I REALLY don't like people shoving things up into areas I'm not used to >>;

Went to the gynocologist today to get some blood work done and to have my cervix examined.
The doctor came to the conclusion that I might be anemic aswell as having a thyroid disorder ( wow. I am developed well, aren't I ? )
Being anemic would explain the fatigue and dizzyness. The thyroid disorder would explain the sudden weight loss and difficulty eating.

She said I might have to go on birth control to regulate my blood flow/menstrual cycle. Needless to say my mother was not pleased with this decision -_-
I don't know how I feel about it- I'm kind of numbing myself to this whole situation.
The test results will be back on thursday, so I guess we'll know what's wrong with me then.
Getting my cervix examined hurt so fucking much. As soon as my doctor left the room I started crying. It literally felt like someone was violating me with a knife. My doc. looked a little concered that it hurt so badly, but didn't mention it. Then, of course, the blood work was terrific. I am so goddamn afraid of needles- they took so much blood...

In a few weeks I have to go back for a sonogram. They're going to Xray my stomach to see if I have any infections or internal bleeding.
I just can't wait. v.v

I am so sick of my body working against me...
at least I got to stay home the rest of the day...

I'm going to tae kwon do at 7. That'll probably make me feel better.

Later
- Phobia_parade.

+ Love Me +


I bled again. [Sunday
May 7th, 06 @ 6:43pm]
[ mood | tired ]

There was blood in my urine again yesterday.
FUCK.

God damn it. I need to have blood work done. and X-rays.
What if I'm sick? Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Why the fuck am I bleeding?
My doctor told me it wouldn't happen again...

Everytime this happens I feel so fatigued..I ended up falling asleep at Jon's party last night and having to go sleep on a couch in his god damn breeze way until he woke me up for dinner.
I went to the city with my father and Roxanne today to look at the BODIES exhibit and fell half asleep against a fricking wall...then I slept for the entire car ride home.

I can't take much more of this...just sitting up right is an effort, and this only ever happens when I bleed like this!

Not to mention all the weight I'm losing. Since I'm not allowed near scales I'm not sure how much it is exactly, but all my clothes fit wrong...All my skirts are huge around my hips and I noticed a bone in my wrist jutting out just a little too far. I just...don't have enough energy to eat...and everytime I do I just feel sick afterwards. Still- that doesn't explain the sudden weight loss. My Health Care specialist told me it was side effects of 'being a teenager'
Um. Yeah. I know a lot of teenagers who bleed when they piss.

I'm going to another doctor on monday to schedule an appointment for the Xrays + blood work.

I'm so godamn afraid of needles...

I just...can't deal with any of this anymore..

+ Love Me +


OMFG a public entry. [Monday
Apr 10th, 06 @ 11:18pm]
[ mood | content ]

Best quote of the day:

"At work today I heard that song 'You're beautiful' by James Blunt and all I could think of was how much you hate it."
-Lindy

x3; God bless her.

Sun filled days of Death Note and Burger King
Of birds and guitars and piano cords.

Now that there's time to dream,
they're all coming back to me.

later
- Phobia_Parade

+ Love Me +


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